The Las Noches Files: Company Confidential
by Sariniste
Summary: After Aizen went down, a team of investigators visited Las Noches and retrieved his secret files. A series of "official" corporate briefings and memos, crack, humor, silliness. Requests and ideas welcome! Rated for language, no pairings.
1. Chapter 1

**The Las Noches Files: Company Confidential**

**Chap. 1: Arrancar Safety Briefing**

**A/N:** The secret files retrieved from Las Noches after Aizen went down. A series of "official" corporate briefings and memos, crack, humor, silliness.

Chapter 1: The Arrancar Safety Briefing. Las Noches has to bring its accident rate under control or risk losing its government contracts. Pure crack.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach.

(Originally posted 7/10/11.)

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**Memo**

**To:** All Arrancar and Employees of Las Noches

**From:** Aizen Sousuke, CEO

**Re:** Safety

Dear Employees of Las Noches:

As I'm certain you're all aware, world domination is not cheap. As a result, we have had to turn to government grants to cover some of our expenses here in Hueco Mundo. However, it has come to my attention that the rate of on-the-job employee and guest injury or death is unacceptably high. As a result, our workers' compensation expenses have been rising, and during a recent safety review from government officials, we were informed that we need to bring our accident and death rate under control or risk losing our government contracts.

Therefore, I have been directed to institute a "Safety Culture" here in Las Noches. Employees and guests must understand their own roles and responsibilities in protecting both themselves and others, as well as the actions for which they will be held accountable.

In the event of an accident, I understand that souls are fallible and people make errors. Rather than placing blame and applying punitive actions, we will consider individuals involved as having made an "honest mistake" and will work with them to understand the context of the incident and prevent similar errors.

However, a completely no-blame culture is neither reasonable nor desirable, as a small fraction of accidents do result from what are considered unacceptable behaviors. The types of behaviors that are considered unacceptable include willful safety violations and/or reckless behavior related to safety.

Just as we remain polite during our fights with the enemy, so must we follow common sense and decency and maintain a culture of safety here in Las Noches.

* A ladder training course will be mandatory for all Arrancar using a ladder more than 32 inches in height. Too many of you have been standing on the top step of the ladder in violation of posted safety guidelines!

* Participants in lab experiments, upon expiration, should be incinerated promptly to avoid the spread of disease. (Yes, this means you, Szayel!)

* All Arrancar using computers will be required to take an ergonomics class in order to avoid repetitive strain injuries.

* First aid kits will be removed from staff areas; instead, staff receiving an injury will report directly to the Medical Center in Szayel's lab for treatment. Yes, this includes paper cuts. All injuries will now be reportable and loggable incidents.

* All employees and guests must wear their dosimeters when entering radiation safety areas. Bioassays and tissue samples must be provided upon request. Szayel Aporro Granz will collect samples from anyone found without their dosimeter.

* Wear proper personal protective equipment (PPE) when using weapons.

* To minimize the potential exposure to hazards for personnel working on roofs, roof access will be restricted to qualified personnel. Unauthorized guests are NOT to be allowed to punch holes in the roof and fight with employees. Consult the Las Noches Roof Access Plan for further information.

* Unauthorized guests are not to be engaged with unless directed by your immediate supervisor. (This means you, Loly and Menoly.)

* Every meeting must include "Five Minutes for Safety" where the importance of complying with safety regulations must be addressed. It has come to my attention that some people have not been treating our company's commitment to safety with the seriousness it deserves. Surely I do not need to resort to extreme measures to ensure that every Las Noches employee avoids inappropriate levity while discussing the importance of safety.

* In order to make the Five Minutes for Safety a more pleasant experience, tea will be served at each meeting.

* I have been informed that tea can cause burns; therefore, no tea will be heated beyond one hundred forty degrees Fahrenheit.

I trust that if we all follow these simple guidelines and maintain a proactive attitude toward our team goals, we will be able to take pride in our "Safety Culture" and successfully retain our funding and avoid the necessity of layoffs during these bad economic times.

Yours in Safety,

Aizen Sousuke

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**A/N:** Much of this was taken from actual corporate safety briefings I found on the internet, including the parts about "ladder training," ergonomics, "roof access plans," "safety culture," "Five Minutes for Safety," paper cuts requiring reports and a trip to the health center, and the removal of first aid kits to discourage the unsafe behavior of bandaging paper cuts. Kind of amazing that they were posted in all seriousness.

Well, I have a few more ideas for humorous corporate documents… are you interested in hearing more?

Next up: Employee Performance Reviews. Let me know who you'd like to see reviewed!


	2. Chapter 2

**The Las Noches Files: Company Confidential**

**Chap. 2: Employee Performance Review: Grimmjow Jaegerjaques**

**A/N:** The secret files retrieved from Las Noches after Aizen went down. A series of "official" corporate briefings and memos; crack, humor, silliness. Rated T for language; no pairings.

Thanks so much for your reviews and great suggestions! Here's the next document: Grimmjow's performance review, complete with his comments in _italics_.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach.

(Originally posted 10/29/11.)

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**Performance Review**

**Employee:** Grimmjow Jaegerjaques

**Employee's Job Title:** Espada

**Supervisor:** Aizen Sousuke

**Supervisor's Job Title:** CEO

The intent of this performance review is to determine whether the employee is exceeding, meeting, or failing to meet the requirements of his position description. The employee is allowed to make comments on his supervisor's evaluations; these comments will become part of the employee's permanent record.

**Position Description:** Espada #6. The Espada are a military force focusing on development and deployment of superior weaponry in the service of Las Noches' ultimate goal of world domination. This position is responsible for providing leadership to a broad spectrum of projects within the organization. The scope of activities performed within this position is responsible for helping to provide solutions to military objectives, including target elimination as ordered. This position is also responsible for military leadership and mentorship of Fraccion.

**Essential Skills Required for Position:** Demonstrable professional experience in a position where self-direction is required except when under direct orders from a superior officer. Be able to fight, maim, and kill on command.

Employees are expected to work in a safe manner and contribute to a safe and healthy work environment by being aware of potential hazards, performing all work safely, and by being familiar with the Las Noches Safety Guidelines.

_**Employee Comments:** Huh? What the fuck is this safety crap? We're fucking Arrancars; you just said in the first paragraph that we're supposed to fight and kill. How are we supposed to do that "safely"? If you ask me, this whole "performance review" crap is just more of your bullshit, Aizen._

**Review:** Grimmjow, although Las Noches management appreciates the enthusiasm with which you carry out some of your duties, you have repeatedly been insubordinate and have shown disrespect to your superiors. The first transgression was when you made an unauthorized excursion to the Living World, resulting in the loss of five Arrancar. Then, you attempted to disobey direct orders not to engage with the so-called "substitute shinigami" during his incursion into Las Noches. Further, you walked out during Kaname's video presentation, thus showing disrespect for the disabled. Here in Las Noches, we do not show discrimination against those who are visually challenged.

Additionally, you have not demonstrated familiarity with the Las Noches Regulations Manual, publication LN-2382. Finally, you have violated procedures in the Health and Safety Manual and in the Integrated Safety Management Plan.

_**Employee Comments:** Yeah, when I was hired, you told me that I was supposed to "exercise self-direction". Then why the fuck is it that every time I show "initiative", you blast me with your fucking reiatsu? You ask me, that's what should be considered illegal. You corporate executive types think that the rules don't apply to you._

_And what's with this manual crap? We're supposed to be badass villains taking over the world, not a bunch of paper-pushing bureaucrats! I'm not gonna read a fucking manual!_

**Rating:** You are to be placed on probation until further notice, and will immediately need to execute an Employee Performance Improvement Plan. Failure to meet the improvement milestones in this document may result in your termination.

_**Employee Comments:** Well, fuck you too, Aizen. I sure as hell am not gonna read your stupid plan. Go ahead and fire me. I dare you. Heh, somehow I don't think you're gonna do it. Let's face it, you need me, and I know too much about your little corporate schemes for you to let me go. What about that spot of corporate espionage against Seireitei, huh? I bet you don't want me to go to the press with those details!  
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**Final Resolution:** Employee status unknown pending supervisor's conviction on crimes against the Seireitei. To be continued after supervisor's sentence is complete in 20,000 years.

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**A/N:** Just feeling in a bit of a cracky mood tonight. Did you like this, and would you like more? Your ideas and suggestions are most welcome.

Ideas so far for upcoming chapters: email exchanges between employees, unions, Barragan filing an environmental impact lawsuit, Loly and Menoly filing a sexual harassment lawsuit. Do you have a favorite of these?


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